


You Gotta Get With My Friends

by Attila



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack Treated Seriously, Extremely background Vex/Jarett, Five Times, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-01
Updated: 2017-11-01
Packaged: 2019-01-28 02:10:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12595800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Attila/pseuds/Attila
Summary: Five times Scanlan tried to set Damon up with someone else (and one time he pulled his head of his ass).(If you are trying to remember who Damon is, he's the airship captain whose relationship status Scanlan keeps asking about. Yes, really.)





	You Gotta Get With My Friends

The thing about Scanlan’s chem lab partner is that a) he’s kind of weirdly awesome, except for the fact that b) he keeps trying to make it so that their homework _doesn’t_ explode. They are two hot seniors who put off their hard science distribution requirement until stupidly late and are now blowing off as much of the work as they can get away with while keeping their grades halfway decent—there should be an explosion every day, at _least_. Probably more than one. For science!

But no, “Don’t pour the green thing into the white thing,” Damon says, plucking a test tube neatly out of Scanlan’s hand with really enviable physical coordination. “That’s definitely not what the instructions say.”

“That’s definitely what the instructions say,” Scanlan says. “See? Here.”

Damon actually looks, which is his first mistake. “Scanlan, _you wrote that_. With a _pencil_. You even say ‘green thing’ and ‘white thing.’”

“Which just goes to show how well I know you, since that’s exactly what _you_ said,” Scanlan says, taking advantage of Damon’s distraction to grab the tube again and upend it into the nearest beaker. It fizzles disappointingly and then does nothing. “Wow,” he says, staring. “I can’t believe I just ruined our lab and nothing even blew up. That’s just not right.”

Damon puts his head into his hands. “I think you have to understand science better to make things explode, honestly.”

“Huh,” Scanlan says. “Yeah, boring. Hey, are you single?”

Damon lifts his head up. “Uh. What?”

“Are you single? You know, are you doing the exclusive bow-chicka-bow-wow, making the beast with two very specific backs, horizontally tangoing with one partner—”

“Okay, okay, I got it the first time,” Damon says, but it’s a mark of how far they’ve come together that he doesn’t even blush or look uncomfortable, just amused.

“So, are you?”

“Uh.” Damon gives him a weird, sort of assessing look. “Yes?”

“Great!” Scanlan says. “I have this friend, and I think you’re probably definitely her type, you look just like her boyfriend. Well. Actually, you look nothing like her boyfriend, except that you’re both hot, but that seems good enough, I think her type is probably just hot people, and she seriously needs to get laid.”

“What.” Damon looks confused and a little suspicious, which is most people’s default expression around Scanlan, so that’s okay. “I, uh—I don’t really want to date someone with a boyfriend?”

“You don’t have to date her,” Scanlan says, brushing that off. “Don’t worry, she’s nearly as hot as you are, and she and her boyfriend have hall passes this semester, because he’s studying abroad in, like, Denmark, or something, but I think she totally lost all her game when she started dating him, because she hasn’t gotten laid _once_ , and she used to screw people all the time. So get a drink, have sex, it’ll be great for both of you. And if the sex is good, you owe me an explosion, right? Right. Awesome, I’ll give her your number.”

“Uh, Scanlan, look,” Damon says, but then he stops.

“Cool,” Scanlan says, after he’s waited what seems like a reasonable amount of time for Damon to finish the sentence. “So, how do you want to bullshit the lab report?”

 

_5\. Vex_

Scanlan finds Vex in the backyard, sitting on a shitty plastic chair with Trinket curled at her feet like the massive useless waste of space he is, doing what looks like math. He flops into the chair next to her, makes a face at Trinket, who just slumbers on, and waits while she finishes something on her laptop and then looks up at him.

“Yeah?” she says. “It’s Tuesday, we probably shouldn’t go to a party. Or have a beer pong tournament. Or a slap cup tournament. No drinking game tournaments, probably.”

“You love beer pong tournaments. You always _win_ beer pong tournaments. Slap cup too, actually.”

“Right, so I’ll waste time and stay up late and not even get drunk, so why bother unless someone’s putting money on it?”

Scanlan shrugs, conceding the point, and then says, “I think you should fuck my lab partner. You’ll like him, he’s hot.”

Vex makes a non-committal noise, looking back at her laptop. “I know you think my dry spell since Jarett went to Denmark is one of the great tragedies of the modern age, but I’m not actually trying to get laid right now.”

“That’s your first mistake. Come on, you’ll have a good time, he’ll have a good time, he might start letting me dick around more in chemistry, everybody wins.”

“You don’t know I’ll have a good time.” But despite that, she still glances up at him again, looking distinctly amused and not _uninterested_. “He might be terrible in bed.”

“Nah, he’s probably great,” Scanlan says, waving that off. “He totally looks like a guy who’s great in bed. Besides being hot, I mean. I can just _tell_.”

“It’s like you have a fifth sense?” Vex says, sniggering, and he points at her.

“First of all, _Mean Girls_ rewatch instead of homework tonight. Then _Resident Evil_ , because I feel like it. Second of all, absolutely it’s my fifth sense—I have a sense for danger, awesomeness, chicken, true love, and people being good in bed.”

“You thought Kash and my brother were dating for _months_. I think your sense for true love might need surgery.”

“They’d be perfect for each other, and it’s not my fault they can’t figure that out.”

“Yeah, okay, sure,” Vex says, rolling her eyes and stretching. She tilts her head to the side thoughtfully and leans down a little to scratch Trinket’s neck, who makes a sleepily contented sound. “You know what? _Mean Girls_ , _Resident Evil_ , sex with your lab partner. Sure, I’m in.”

#

She comes back _late_ Friday night and pokes her head into the living room. “You know, I still think your true love sense needs recalibrating, but I am willing to accept the good in bed sense, because holy fuck, wow.”

He pauses the Super Smash Bros game, making Grog groan, but Pike just puts her controller down and grins, raising her eyebrows. Scanlan takes a good long look at Vex, who’s leaning languidly against the doorframe, her hair out of its usual braid, and her lipstick completely absent. She looks _very_ pleased with herself, and he smirks. “That good?”

“Mm, definitely.” She pushes a hand through her messy hair, sweeping it back away from her face. “I hate to say I owe you one, but I definitely owe you one.” Then she laughs. “But I don’t think I’m really his type.”

“What?” Scanlan says. “Why not? You’re hot, he’s hot, it’s a match made in heaven.”

She laughs again, shaking her head. “Yeah, no.”

“Well, it’s not like I thought you two were going to fall in love,” Scanlan says philosophically. “Are you at least going to fuck again?”

“Probably not.”

“ _Damn_ , seriously?”

“Vex can fuck whoever she wants,” Pike says cheerfully, and then she gestures towards the television screen. “You want in?”

“Hmm? Oh, no, I have to go Skype Jarett.” Her cat-who-got-the-canary smirk gets, if possible, even wider. “I told him I was going to get laid, and he said I should tell him how it went once I got home. So I’m going to. In _detail_.”

“Oh, _that_ kind of Skyping Jarett,” Scanlan says. “Nice. Up top.”

Vex leans into the room far enough to slap his hand, and then she gives all of them a lazy wave and disappears down the hallway. Scanlan goes to unpause the game, but he stops when he sees Pike giving him a funny look, her head tilted a little to one side.

“What?” he says.

“Oh, I was just thinking,” she says. “Why are you upset that Vex isn’t going to have sex with your lab partner again?”

Scanlan shrugs. “The man is in the army reserves and looks like an underwear model; _someone_ should be sucking his dick, and now I need to think of another person.”

Pike looks at him for another second, and then she pats his arm gently. “I’m sure you will.”

“Sure,” Grog says. “Get the guy laid. Whatever. Are we playing or not?”

 

_4\. Keyleth_

“So, Vex says you’re awesome in bed,” Scanlan says, boosting himself up onto a lab stool and dragging another one closer so that he can put his backpack on it.

“Oh my _god_ , Scanlan,” Damon says, putting his head in his hands. “We’re in _class_.”

“What? This is, like, free advertising for your dick, you should be thanking me.” Scanlan eyes him. “Probably your hands and mouth too. Vex doesn’t like people who aren’t into foreplay, and you do have really nice fingers.”

Damon chokes and lifts his head enough to stare, which Scanlan ignores, because he’s basically used to it.

“So, think you two’ll hook up again?” he says, just in case Vex was wrong about not being Damon’s type—seriously, Vex is too hot and slutty to not be people’s type, that’s crazy. She’s slept with about three different girls who were convinced they were straight.

“Uh,” Damon says. “No, uh—Vex is great, and it was—I mean, I had. Fun. But I’m not really much of a, uh.” He gives Scanlan a funny look again, and then he says, sort of stilted, “I’m more of a relationship guy.”

“Huh,” Scanlan says. “Can’t relate.”

Damon kind of laughs, kind of doesn’t. “Yeah,” he says, “I know.”

“Okay, well.” Scanlan thinks about it, and then he claps his hands together. “Relationships. Yeah, no problem, I can totally fix this for you.”

“Uh,” Damon says, “you can?”

He looks kind of hopeful. Scanlan is doing _such a good deed_ , honestly. “Yeah. My friend Keyleth is definitely a relationship girl. I’ve got you, bro.”

“Oh,” says Damon.

“Don’t worry.” Scanlan claps him on the shoulder, which is much easier than it would usually be, since they’re on stools. “I’m going to take great care of you.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Damon says, and he drags the lab sheet over and starts loudly talking about chemistry. That’s cool. The dude’s uncomfortable with how hot he is. Scanlan gets—well, he doesn’t _get it_ , but he gets it. He’s got this.

#

“You want me to date the guy Vex fucked last week?” Keyleth says, so dubious it’s kind of hurtful, like she doesn’t trust him at all. “I feel like that’s weird? I mean, I’m sure Vex has great taste, she has sex with great people, a lot of them are just so nice, you know, when I meet them in the morning while they’re trying to find coffee and the door, but—I feel like that’s weird?”

“If you didn’t wake up so early, you wouldn’t have to feed Vex’s hookups,” Scanlan tells her, totally unsympathetic. “It’s not _normal_ to see the sun rise, and I’m sure it’s bad for you. Physically. And probably emotionally. Hey, maybe that’s why you’re so weird!”

Keyleth makes a face at him, and he grins back. “He’s a relationship guy,” he says, “and you’re a relationship girl. It’s perfect! You’re made for each other!”

“I…don’t think that’s how that works?” Keyleth says, but she sounds tentative enough that Scanlan feels cool breezing right by that.

“He’s also incredibly hot, and he has the Vex seal of approval for being a good fuck, so I don’t see how you could possibly object.”

“Being a good—good at—good at doing things Vex likes does not mean I want to date him!” Keyleth yelps, going furiously red and waving her hands incoherently.

“Come on,” Scanlan says. “Keyleth. We’re friends, right?”

Keyleth eyes him with frankly unwarranted suspicion, but she’s nice and distressingly honest, so inevitably, she says, “Yes?” Though the clear question mark on the end is a little insulting.

“Okay, so—I know you, I know him. I honestly think you’ll probably like each other.”

“Well.” Keyleth bites her lip. “I mean. Okay, I guess. One date.”

#

“I mean, I _liked_ him,” Keyleth says, when she comes home annoyingly early from her one date with Damon. “I just don’t really want to date him. And I don’t think he wants to date me. But I wouldn’t mind if he hung out with us some more!”

“If you like him, why wouldn’t you want to date him?” Scanlan says, not quite tearing his hair out, but definitely glaring. “Have you _seen_ him?”

“He’s very attractive,” Keyleth offers, but it feels more placating than anything else. “Look, um—you know, I think he probably likes men too. If that, you know. Helps you. At all.”

“Well, it does give me more _options_. Hey, the twins have basically the same taste in guys, right? Because they’re practically the same person?”

 

_3\. Vax_

“That is _not_ how being twins works, Scanlan!” Vax yells. “And I can’t believe you _tricked_ me and my sister’s sloppy seconds into going on a date!”

“He’s _hot_!”

“My _sister_ had _sex_ with him!”

“I did,” Vex agrees, leaning against one of the kitchen counters and eating peanut butter straight from the jar. “It was really good.”

Vax makes a truly tragic face, like he just found out he killed his dad and fucked his mom, not like he just got set up on a date with a _really hot_ , _really nice_ guy, who, honestly, Scanlan’s entire house should be _clamoring_ to date.

“If I never hear you talk about having sex again,” Vax says to his sister, “it’ll be too soon. I thought Jarett being away this semester would _help_.”

“Mostly it’s just making me better at dirty talk,” Vex says easily, and Vax groans miserably.

“I’m going to go take a shower for a million years,” he announces to the entire kitchen. “Scanlan, Vex, I hate both of you.”

“That’s fair,” Pike says, and Scanlan shoots her a wounded look. She shrugs, grinning at him in a way that would seem like a smirk on anyone else, and says, “Well, it is.”

“Pike is my favorite person in this house,” Vax says loudly, and then he slips out the door soundlessly, because even when he’s feeling pissy, he never seems to make noise or slam any doors or do anything _normal_.

“That’s fair too,” Pike agrees cheerfully. “So, Damon likes men?”

“Keyleth said,” Scanlan says, frowning. “I really thought I _had_ something this time. What’s wrong with Vax? Why wouldn’t he want to date Damon? Damon’s great!”

Pike gives him a funny look, sipping her tea. “Is he?” she says mildly.

“Yes!”

Grog shrugs. “Well, I think that went awesome. Vax was so pissed.” He bro-nods at Scanlan and holds out a massive, beefy fist. “Good prank.”

Scanlan sighs, but he fistbumps anyway.

#

“But you do like dick, right?” Scanlan says in chemistry, as they balance an equation, and Damon drops his pencil and sputters a little. “Oh, hey, don’t worry, this is a homophobia free zone, I think penises are awesome. Giving blowjobs, am I right? It’s great.”

“Oh my god,” Damon says, very faintly, and then he visibly rallies. “Uh, yeah, I—I mean, I figured. About you.”

“Sure,” Scanlan agrees cheerfully, because it’s not like he isn’t _aware_ that he’s wearing a purple silk button-down shirt and a beret. People are usually more surprised that he likes _girls_. “I can’t deny people the joys of experiencing all this just because of gender, you know?” He gestures, and Damon’s eyes follow his hand.

“Uh,” he says. “Yeah—I mean no—I mean—sure?”

“Right.” Scanlan nods, because there was definitely an agreement somewhere in there, and honestly, he knows he’s irresistible. “And you’re, like, ridiculously hot—”

Damon’s eyes widen a bit at that, and Scanlan wonders for a second if somehow he’s never _realized_ that he’s basically a ten on anyone’s scale.

“—so it’s good that you like everyone. More opportunities for more people to get up on all that.”

“We are in _class_ ,” Damon hisses, his cheeks going darker.

“Right, so not _now_. But for future reference, you and Vax not hitting it off wasn’t because he’s got a snake under his belt.”

“I hate you,” Damon says unconvincingly, closing his eyes. “But, uh—yes. I like men. Men are—men are pretty great, yeah.” He bites his lip, which totally accentuates how good his mouth would look giving head, and squints over at Scanlan a little. “Um. Why?”

“I’ve definitely got another friend for you to date,” Scanlan says proudly.

Damon stares at him, not looking _nearly_ as grateful as he definitely should be. “Fucking—seriously? What the fuck, Scanlan?”

Which is just unfair.

 

_2\. Percy_

“I’m sorry,” Percy says, barely looking up from his weird engineering thesis, “just let me make sure I’ve got this right. You would like me to go on a date with the same man you’ve previously set Vex, Keyleth, and Vax up with?”

“Right,” Scanlan says. “And he’s _great_ , so they’re definitely the problem here.”

“Mm-hmm,” Percy says. “How do you know I’m not also going to be the problem there?”

“You’re smarter.” Scanlan frowns. “Or you’d better be, anyway.”

“Hmm,” Percy says, fiddling with something—a nut, or possibly a bolt. Scanlan’s grip on building things is tenuous at best, but that’s only because he has better things to do with his time. “Yes, all right. This sounds appropriately ridiculous, why not?”

#

Scanlan pulls the huge wing-backed armchair they got cheap from Goodwill around to face the front door of their house, folding his arms and waiting in the dark while Percy’s out on his date. The twins both rolls his eyes at him, but Pike sits with him for a little, perched on the arm of the chair, eating Twizzlers and patting his head periodically.

“So, Percy, huh?” she says.

“I can’t believe no one in this house is smart enough to realize that Damon’s hot and awesome and funny and a great lab partner,” he replies, scowling at the doorknob. “But Percy’s smart _est_ , so it’s _definitely_ going to work this time.”

“You know, I’m not sure Percy’s kind of being smart extends to, um. Realizing what good lab partners other people are,” she says gently.

“It will if he knows what’s good for him,” Scanlan mutters.

Pike laughs, munching on another Twizzler thoughtfully. “I don’t think that’s how that works,” she says. “But okay. What do you like about him, anyway?” When he blinks at her, she just shrugs. “I mean, I’ve never met him.”

“Oh, right,” Scanlan says, even though it feels kind of crazy that people as awesome as Pike and Damon could have _never met_. How do they stand it? “He’s—”

“Hot, right,” Pike says, nodding and apparently exhibiting her newly discovered _psychic tendencies_. “But I meant besides that. What do you like about him as a person?”

“Oh,” Scanlan says, frowning. He thinks about it carefully, running his fingers over the cracking leather seat of the chair, picking at it where it’s peeling and soft underneath. Pike waits, like the angel she is, and he thinks about the way Damon looks when he’s smiling, the way he ducks his head and closes his eyes when he’s embarrassed, but how his amusement always pokes through at the corners of his mouth. “Well, like—when I’m being, you know, awesome, but in a way that defies the scope of normal, boring people’s limited social interactions—”

“Sure,” she agrees, “like when you told me about blowing your history TA while we were in the middle of that coffee shop last year.”

“—right, yeah, like that. Anyway, when I’m being that awesome, he’s always telling me not to say shit like that in class and blushing and stuff, but he also keeps going along with it and, like, answering my questions and talking to me and listening. And he secretly thinks it’s funny when I fuck up our labs, even if he thinks I don’t know he does, and _that_ means he’s got a great sense of humor. And he pretends to care about chemistry, even though he _totally_ doesn’t and still calls all the stuff we have to deal with ‘purple thing’ or whatever, and that’s kind of cute. And he’s patient but not boring, and sometimes he gets all sarcastic about how much he hates distribution requirements, and that’s kind of awesome. Plus, I caught him humming my composition the other day. My thesis, I mean. I keep singing it while we’re working, because it’s stuck in my head, and then _he_ was doing it, and when I called him out on it, he said he liked it. So he’s clearly got great taste, and his brain is definitely screwed on right, _unlike Vex_ , who keeps saying she’s tired of it.”

“Hmm,” Pike says. She’s got her chin in her hand, her fingers covering her mouth, but it’s still obvious she’s smiling. “You know, I think Vex only says that because you keep saying she should give Trinket to the pound.”

“He’s always in the way!” Scanlan protests. “I trip over him ten times a day! He doesn’t even _move_ and he’s somehow _still_ always in a new place I don’t expect.”

Pike pats him comfortingly again. “Yes, I know,” she says. “But about Damon—”

“He’s great,” Scanlan insists, because he _is_ , and he can’t believe how many of his best friends just aren’t getting that.

“He sounds great,” Pike says soothingly. “But are you sure you want _Percy_ to date him?”

“You mean, because what if Percy’s not good enough and doesn’t appreciate him, just like everyone else?” Scanlan steals a Twizzler from her bag and rips the top off with his teeth, chewing on it hard. “Yeah, I thought about that. But Percy’s pretty cool too, so it’ll probably be okay.”

“Hmm,” Pike says. “Okay.” She pushes herself off the chair and rolls her shoulders a little, twisting her neck from side to side until it cracks. “Well, I’m going to go finish my homework and see if Grog wants to play Call of Duty. Try not to stay up too late waiting for Percy, all right?”

“You’re so sweet,” he says. “That’s so sweet, for you to think of that. But I’ll be fine. Kick Grog’s ass for me.”

She nods agreeably and wanders off—and he _definitely_ hears her curse quietly when she trips over the _giant dog_ , which just proves him right—and then he crosses his arms and goes back to glaring at the door.

#

When Percy gets back, an hour later, he doesn’t even have the decency to do more than raise his eyebrows at Scanlan’s very best Godfather impression. “You need a cigar,” he says mildly, “though I think Keyleth would cry and lecture you for an hour if she found you smoking in the house. And out of curiosity, what would you have done if I’d been bringing him home?”

“Watched, probably,” Scanlan replies, glaring harder, though his thoughts do briefly glaze over with how _incredibly hot_ that would be. “Why _aren’t_ you bringing him home? Or coming home later, like tomorrow morning?”

“I don’t put out on the first date,” Percy says primly.

Scanlan makes a face. “I mean, okay—oh, hey, does that mean you’re going on a _second date_ with him?” And okay, so the joy of having finally set Damon up with someone successfully isn’t as _all-encompassing_ as he’d expected it to be, but whatever, it probably just hasn’t sunk in yet.

“Ah,” Percy says, “not as such, no.”

Scanlan stares at him. “What the fuck. How dare you come into _my house_ —”

“Our house,” Percy murmurs.

“— _my house_ and tell me that my hot lab partner _isn’t your type_ —”

“Scanlan.”

“—or that he _isn’t good enough_ for—”

“That could not be further from the problem here,” Percy says loudly, and Scanlan blinks at him, halting his tirade in its tracks and leaning back in the armchair.

“Really?” he says.

“Really.” Percy takes his shoes off carefully, one at a time, undoing the laces with his fingers instead of just shoving at the heel with his other foot like everyone else, and when he straightens up, he has an odd look on his face. “Listen, Scanlan—are you sure you even _wanted_ me to go out with Damon?”

“Yes!” Scanlan says. “That’s why I set you up with him!”

“I see.” Percy nods slowly. “Interesting. Well, in that case—hmm.” He looks Scanlan dead in the eye and says, “I just don’t think _I’m_ good enough for _him_.”

Scanlan opens his mouth and closes it again, considering that from all angles. “That’s an interesting perspective for you to have,” he manages at last.

“Well,” Percy says, very slowly, thoughtfully, frowning slightly, “I am just such a bad person.”

Scanlan stares at him. “What?”

“I mean, in general,” Percy says equably. “I’m wracked with guilt, I’m such a mess, I just don’t _deserve_ people who are as, as nice—and hot—as your friend Damon. I just really feel that he deserves someone, you know, uh. Better. A more amazing person. Judging by how you talk about him, and what I saw, meeting him tonight.” He looks at Scanlan and says, a little too clearly, over-enunciating—but then, Percy’s that kind of pretentious, “Who do you know who’s just _so_ great? Who could even be called, you know, _perfect_?”

“Huh,” Scanlan says. “You know, I think you’re right, Percy.”

Percy mutters something that sounds an awful lot like, “If that worked, I owe Vex twenty dollars,” but Scanlan, being a gracious overlord, chooses to ignore him.

“It’s all so clear now that you’ve said that. The answer was staring me right in the face all along!”

“I can’t believe that _worked_ ,” Percy says.

“I have to set Damon up with _Pike_!”

Percy stares at him, and then he puts his hand over his face, sinks back against the door and starts laughing, inexplicably. “Oh, dear lord,” he chokes out, in between the hysterics he’s apparently going into—which, possibly he should see a doctor. Or a therapist. “Yes, all right, this one’s on me, I see that now.”

 

_1\. Pike_

Scanlan leans back on Damon’s couch, where _theoretically_ they’re working on a lab report, but actually, two hours in, he’d found out Damon had _never seen Galavant_ , so now they’ve got a bag of Doritos and a six-pack of beer, and their chemistry homework is somewhere across the room, lonely and forgotten. Damon, whose stupidly long legs don’t _fit_ anywhere, like a normal-sized person’s would, has them thrown casually over Scanlan’s lap, his head slung back against the other arm of the couch and a can of Guinness dangling idly from his hand, his arm hanging half off the couch as he laughs. Scanlan almost wants to take a _picture_ , just to bring home and show to all of his friends, so he can prove to them how _wrong_ they are. How absolutely fucking insane, to say no to this.

“Hey, so,” he says, tapping Damon’s thigh and raising his eyebrows when he feels the hard muscle there.

“Hmm?” Damon yawns a little, looking over with a smile and bright, interested eyes.

“Have you ever considered a career in modeling?” Scanlan blurts out, thoughts completely derailed. “I know _I’d_ pay good money for pictures of you with your shirt off.”

Damon laughs, sounding happy, and says cheerfully, “You don’t have to.” He sits up—without using his arms to push off of the couch at all, and Scanlan can _see_ his abs clench—and puts the beer can down on his coffee table, nudging a binder out of the way. He grins at Scanlan and then pulls his shirt off, exposing a whole chest worth of _seriously_ cut muscles, takes his phone out, and then holds it out and snaps a selfie. A moment later, Scanlan hears his phone ding.

“See?” Damon says. His face is a little pink, but he mostly looks amused, laughing again when Scanlan’s jaw drops. “No money necessary.”

“Shit, did you really just send me a shirtless picture of you?” Scanlan practically falls off the couch scrambling to pull his own phone out. “Holy fuck, you _did_ , that is so unbelievably hot and awesome. Percy was right, you _do_ deserve someone perfect, you’re too badass for anyone else.”

“Yeah?” Damon’s grinning a little as he pulls his shirt back on, muscles flexing. Scanlan takes advantage of the brief moments he has left to ogle him shamelessly, and Damon slaps him on the shoulder to get his attention again. “My eyes are up here,” he says, not sounding upset at all. “What, uh—what did Percy say about me, exactly?”

“Oh, that he’s not nearly good enough for you, and you know what, I totally agree. Which, hey—is a great segue for I actually wanted to talk to you about, before you distracted me with being all cute and awesome.” Scanlan sees Damon mouth to himself, smiling, _Cute?_ “You’re totally cute, and you know it. Anyway, Percy was right—you definitely deserve the most awesome person I know.”

“Yeah?” Damon says, still smiling, his voice a little teasing, as on his laptop screen, Madalena sings about how the only person who’s hot enough and awesome enough for her to rely on is herself. “Who’s that, then?”

“The most awesome person in the _entire world_ ,” Scanlan says firmly, “and also my former future wife, Pike.”

#

Because Scanlan is a good friend and amazing person, he waits until he has successfully seen a laughing Pike off to her date before he tries to deal with the fact that he _might_ be having a doubt or two. Well, no. Not a doubt. Scanlan’s never had a doubt in his entire life, all his choices are _objectively right_ , okay, but he might…sort of be wishing that this one wasn’t. Or something.

So after a moment of thinking it through, he goes to find Vex. Because while Vax has a lot more experience with bad decisions he thought were objectively right, he’s also a lot more likely to, like, take it seriously, or something awful like that. And Grog may be his best friend, but Grog is really _Pike’s_ best friend, and therefore extremely likely to spill the fucking beans if Scanlan does something like barge straight into Vex’s room without knocking and say, “So, I think I might still be in love with Pike.”

Vex looks up from her laptop, blinking. She hasn’t bothered to turn any lights on in her room, despite the fact that the sun set like two hours ago, so her face is lit up blue and a little bit creepy as she squints at him. “No,” she says.

“No?”

“No, don’t do that.”

“Huh.” So Vex might not have been his _best_ choice, but fine, he knows that now, every decision is a learning experience, just because she’s _totally unhelpful_ doesn’t make this worst conversation he could’ve had with one of his housemates. “Yeah, good talk, sounds like a plan, I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Wait,” she says, “are you _serious_?”

“Yeah? I mean. I think maybe?” He scuffs a foot along the shitty carpet in her room, feeling a little awkward and a _lot_ stupid, considering his junior year had practically been one big epiphany moment about _not_ being in love with Pike, really.

Vex looks a little more horrified than he thinks this _really_ warrants, come-to-Jesus year or not, and she sets her laptop next to her on the bed, though she leaves it open, so that they aren’t having this conversation in the dark like—like very cool people who don’t want to pay the electric bill. “I thought you weren’t doing this anymore! I thought—!” She slams her mouth shut and glares at him like he’s personally betrayed her. “What I mean to say is—no.”

“You’re more eloquent when you’re arguing with people about money,” he tells her. “You already said that, you know.”

“ _Why_ ,” she snaps. “ _Why_ do you think you’re in love with Pike, and how can we make that stop happening, because I am very against that.”

“Well, I’m sort of—” He tries not to make a face, realizes he’s making it anyway, and makes it in the most exaggerated way he can, so she’ll roll her eyes and ignore it. “This whole date with Damon. I set it up, I was really excited for them, it really was an _awesome_ idea—and I’m sort of not psyched about it anymore? I feel less great? About that? So I think must still want to date Pike, and I’m jealous. I feel kind of jealous.”

Vex stares at him. “ _Oh_ ,” she says, and then she starts laughing, falling back against her bedroom wall and putting a hand over her face. “Oh my _god_ , and to think I was so fucking worried. This is the best thing that’s ever happened. This is hilarious. I’m telling Jarett and all of our friends.”

Scanlan grabs the nearest small object, which turns out to be a tin of liver dog treats—the dog’s stuff gets _everywhere_ , it’s disgusting—and throws it at her. He misses completely, of course, but it still makes a satisfying _thunk_ as it hits the wall, and she startles, jerking upright. He glares. “I’m having an _emotional crisis_ , and you’re going to tell your boyfriend and all our friends?”

“I mean, you’re having an emotional crisis, sure.” She grabs the tin, glances at the top, and then shrugs and puts it back down on the bed. “But it’s _funny_ , so.”

“I can’t believe I thought you were the best person to come talk to about my _pain_.”

“Yeah, me neither. Next time try Keyleth; she’d be a lot less likely to make fun of you.”

“I’ll keep it in mind,” he says, as haughtily as he can manage, and turns to stalk out of the room, his dignity pretty lost, but dignity is more a matter of faking it than anything else, and he has faking it coming out of his _ass_.

“Wait, wait, Scanlan.” She still sounds amused, but he’s just desperate enough to pause and let her continue. “Look, this is just—it _is_ funny, but I’m pretty sure I can help you with your problem. For starters, I would bet real money that you’re not in love with Pike.”

 _That_ makes him turn around again, because Vex bets real money approximately never, unless she’s either a) cheating, or b) absolutely beyond certain that she’s going to win (probably because she’s cheating). “You would, huh.” He tries not to sound as desperately eager as he feels, but judging by his smirk, he fucking fails. “Um, why’s that?”

“Because you’ve got a massive crush on Damon, you _idiot_. Now stop being stupid and get out of my room so I can do my homework.”

 

_0\. and Scanlan_

“Pike!” Scanlan cries, grabbing her right as she walks in the door. “Pike, love of my life—only not anymore, we had a whole conversation about that, I feel great about not being in love with you now, I feel really confident about that feeling, or non-feeling, or whatever it is—”

“ _Scanlan_ ,” she says, laughing. “What’s gotten into you? What’s going on?”

“Pike,” he says, and then he stops, suddenly uncertain. “Um. How was your date?” Because if she says it was _good_ , then he’ll—well, he’ll—well, he’ll be really happy for two of his favorite people, of course. And then go hide in his room, probably, and throw some more stuff at Vex for making him examine his emotions like an adult.

“It was…” She trails off and seems to think about it. “I had a good time! I can see why you like him. But you know, Scanlan, I’m not sure I’m really looking for a relationship right now.”

“Oh.” It’s shocking what a relief hearing her say that is, and it’s all the more shocking that a few hours ago he had _no idea_ what a relief hearing that would be. “Oh, that’s—do you think he is?”

She eyes him, and then she starts smiling. “You know, I think he might be. With the right person.”

“With the right—what does _that_ mean?”

“Umm…”

He grips her arms tighter, and then quickly lets go once he realizes, because he might be weak, but still. “Pike. Pike, darling, best friend in the world, sweetest person on the planet Earth. The thing is, I think I might have a crush on Damon.”

“Oh, you know now!” She beams at him and gives him a quick hug around the shoulders. “I’m so glad.”

“What? You _knew_?”

“Oh, Scanlan,” she says, and pats his shoulder kindly. He leans into her warmth and lets his head drop down onto her shoulder, because it’s so easy and she’s so comfortable. “Sweetie, it was kind of obvious.”

“Oh,” he says, muffled. “So, do you think—?”

“I think,” she says firmly, “that he’s just waiting for the right person. And who could be more right than Scanlan Shorthalt?”

#

It’s just about midnight by the time he’s banging on Damon’s door, but the course of True Love never did run smooth, and also, they’re college students. They don’t _sleep_. But when Damon opens the door, just a few short minutes later, he’s wearing sweatpants and a loose t-shirt, and he looks tired. Exhausted, even.

“Shit,” Scanlan says. “Don’t tell me you’re one of those crazy people with a normal sleep schedule.”

“What— _Scanlan_?” Damon shakes his head briefly and rubs his forehead. “I mean, no, you didn’t wake me, I was up. What are you doing here? If it’s about the chemistry homework, you could’ve just texted.”

“It’s not about the chemistry,” Scanlan assures him quickly. “Hey, are you single?”

Damon stares at him. “ _What_?”

“You know, are you single?” He grins. “Are you doing the exclusive bow-chicka-bow-wow, making the beast with two very specific backs, horizontally tangoing with one partner—”

“Yes, yes, I got it the first time. _Last_ time.” Damon looks even more tired, somehow, slumping against the doorjamb and tilting his head back so that it hits the wood with a sharp _thunk_ that sounds at least a little painful.

“Great! So, are you?”

“ _Yes_ , Scanlan, I’m still single, all right?” He presses his lips together, and then, sounding resigned, says, “Which of your friends is it this time? Grog? Kashaw, Zahra? I’m just naming the ones you’ve mentioned, but don’t let that stop you, I’m sure you know at least half the school.”

Scanlan cocks his head to the side, momentarily derailed from his goal. “Wow, I’ve kind of pissed you off, huh.”

Damon sighs. “No—no, sorry, it’s not you, it’s—no. Sorry. I’m still single, Scanlan. Who now, then? I didn’t get the impression that Grog was interested in relationships or, honestly, that Kash or Zahra were interested in men, but I’m sure you’ve figured _something_ out.”

Scanlan takes a step forward, a little further into his personal space, and takes pointed and smug note when, flatteringly, Damon’s breath hitches a little. “I have, actually. This is the best one yet. Well, okay, not better than Pike, no one’s better than Pike, Pike’s just—Pike, you know? I mean, you met her.”

“Sure,” Damon says. He’s pressed up against the door, so there’s nowhere really for him to go without actually standing up straight and walking away, and they’re very close now. “She seemed really nice. Patient. I liked her.”

Scanlan pauses. “Liked her like you want to go out with her again?”

“Uh. No, not like that.”

“Good,” Scanlan says. “Second most awesome person in the entire universe will have to do, huh? But hey, you’re still doing pretty good.”

Damon shifts minutely against the wood, not quite a squirm, but a little more than just a twitch. “Yeah, sure, I guess. Who’s the second most awesome person in the universe?”

“ _Me_ ,” Scanlan says. “Obviously.” And he reaches up to grab Damon’s collar and _yank_ him down low enough to kiss, getting his other hand into Damon’s hair and sliding their lips together, hot and hard, pushing up into it, the gorgeously warm and solid press of Damon’s body. And after a moment of stillness, Damon _groans_ and crowds in close, kissing back and skimming his hands across Scanlan’s back. They feel hot and strong, and Scanlan is _ridiculously_ into it, that and Damon’s bottom lip, and the _sound_ he makes when Scanlan bites it, like a whine. Scanlan shivers all over, anticipatory, rocking his hips forward.

Damon makes a strangled noise and pulls back, far too soon, blinking several times and looking so hot there are probably countries and churches he could be kicked out of just for showing up. He puts a hand in the middle of Scanlan’s chest to stop him when he tries to push forward again and get their mouths back together, saying, “Wait—wait, is this—are you fucking with me right now?”

“What? No! Why would I be fucking with you? Why would I fuck _with_ you when I could just fuck you, am I right?”

Damon draws back a little more. “You just came over to have sex?”

“Well, not _just_.” Scanlan puts a hand on Damon’s hip, since he’s just close enough for that, sliding his thumb up under his shirt and pressing against the sharp angle of the bone that juts out right above his low-slung sweatpants. “And if you want to take it slow, we can do that too, though I _seriously_ want to suck your dick right now. Could I suck your dick and _then_ take it slow?”

Damon chokes. “Uh—you— _fuck_.”

“Is that a yes on the blowjob? I give great head, just so you know.” Scanlan bites his lip hard enough to make it go red and a little puffy, and then he draws his tongue across it slowly, like a tease or a preview or anything else Damon wants, and looks up through his lashes. Damon actually _shudders_ , which is insanely hot, and Scanlan tries to get back into his personal space, kiss him, do _something_ , but he’s stopped again.

“I,” Damon says, and then he takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. “I am little confused.”

“What are you confused about? I feel like I’ve been pretty clear and upfront.”

“Scanlan, you just spent the last month or so setting me up with everyone you know, and now you’re—you’re—uh, you’re here. Doing that. Saying…things.” Damon pushes him farther away and puts both his hands over his face. “I am just a little confused.”

“Huh,” Scanlan says. “Okay. I want to date you. And also have a lot of incredibly hot sex with you, because we’re probably both, like, sex gods, and I think we need to share those skills as soon as possible. But also the dating thing. I don’t want you to go out with my friends, they totally don’t deserve you—except for Pike—I want you to go out with _me_. You do want to go out with me, right? I mean, I’m awesome.”

Damon laughs weakly, dragging his hands down across his face. “ _Do I want to go out with you_ , Christ, Scanlan. Don’t you know—I mean, every single time you started asking me out for one of your friends, I thought you were going to ask me out for you. Every single time, I thought, you know, _this_ time it’s going to be because he’s got a thing for me, and then—and then you’d— Everyone else already knows, all of your friends, which is just—because, you know, we’d get a drink, and I’d tell them, uh, like, ‘sorry, you’re great, but I thought, I thought Scanlan was going to—’” He shakes his head. “It was so stupid, because I just kept being wrong, and you kept having me go out with _everyone except you_.”

“Shit,” Scanlan says, feeling his heart do something funny, clenching like there’s not enough room for it in his ribcage. “Shit, you really like me.”

Damon laughs again, but he looks absolutely miserable. His collar’s a little stretched from Scanlan pulling on it just a minute ago, his hair’s a fucking mess, and he’s got his arms crossed over his chest like a barrier.

“Yeah, Scanlan,” he says. “I really like you.”

“Well.” Scanlan almost moves towards him again, and then he stops himself. “Well, that’s okay, I’ve got that covered, you’re all good, because I really like you too.” Damon just kind of looks at him, his mouth tight and unhappy. “I mean, I kind of had to get Vex and Pike to explain it to me, but once they did, it made so much sense, I _really_ like you.”

“Do you.”

Scanlan does take a step forward then, careful, and reaches up to put his hands on either side of Damon’s jaw and draw him down into a soft kiss, just a single touch, lips to lips. “Yeah, I really do.” He leaves his hands there, gentle on Damon’s face, and takes a deep breath. “So, you’ve still got that bootleg of _Treasure Planet_ with the weird subtitles, right? Come on, let’s go inside and watch that.” When Damon still looks uncertain, he adds, “I know you’ve got a thing about flying boats, babe, this is a zone of honesty and admitting that shitty physics and great aesthetics is like crack for you. Don’t worry, I’ll be good, no interrupting the movies of your childhood. I’ve got tact and delicacy.”

Damon snorts out a laugh, turning his head to the side a little so that his face presses into Scanlan’s right hand. “We’re, uh. We’re still standing in my doorway.”

“Right,” Scanlan says patiently. “So let’s go inside, huh?” He can’t resist going up on his toes to give Damon another kiss, quick and easy. “And tomorrow we’re going out for dinner. My treat.”

Damon smiles a little. “You don’t have to do that. The—it’s fine, it’s cool.”

“That’s not true,” Scanlan says, unaccountably glad to see that tiny expression. “We’ve only just started going out, and I’m already in the doghouse, which is just—Vex would _never_ let me live that down, so tomorrow you’re getting flowers and chocolate and nice dinner.”

Damon half-smiles again, but his posture is still very careful. “Look, is this—are you really sure about this? The dating, I mean? Because I know you think I’m hot, but—”

“Am I going to have to convince I don’t just want you for your body?” Scanlan says, going for teasing and light-hearted, trying to earn a bigger smile. “I mean, yes, you look like an underwear model, but really, it’s your skills as a lab partner that won me over. I just really feel like I need to date someone who’s just as bad at chemistry as I am. I’ll develop an inferiority complex otherwise.” Damon does smile again, but he doesn’t really say anything, and after a moment, Scanlan adds, “Damon. I’ve got a massive boner for your personality. Your brain is the hottest thing about you. I’d like to do the hot sex with you, but only _after_ we have long conversations about life, the universe, and everything. Or during, during is cool too.”

Damon snorts, turning his head to the side and looking a bit like he hadn’t meant to, but he can’t hide it when he starts laughing, even if he brings a hand up to press against his mouth and muffle the sound. “Wow. Uh, really romantic, good job.”

Scanlan grins, proud. “So I can take you out tomorrow?”

Damon stops laughing, but after a moment, he meets Scanlan’s eyes, which is nearly as good, his mouth still curved in a careful grin. “Well, I mean—I mean—yeah. Yeah, you can.” He slides down the wall until they’re more of a height, putting his arms around Scanlan’s waist and pulling him forward until he can give Scanlan a quick kiss. “If you really want to.”

“I really do,” Scanlan says. “Even if it is making all of my friends incredibly smug about how right they apparently were. Now, come on. _Treasure Planet_? Or whatever else you want, pretty much.”

“Yeah, okay.” Damon gets one hand in Scanlan’s hair, which is going to ruin the careful styling, but in a _sexy_ way, and draws him in again, fitting their lips together and kissing him slow and hot and spine-meltingly good, until they have to separate again, panting. “Yeah, sounds good.”

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, I recognize that this is crack, but considering how long it took me to get off my ass and write this, the thing that is honestly most surprising to me is not that I wrote it, but that someone else didn't beat me to it. It seemed so _obvious_. Which I guess tells you a lot about the way my brain works.
> 
> Anyway, beta thanks, as always, to ROSE, who is amazing and put up with me rewriting the ending to this three separate times and also came up with the title. She's the best, and I couldn't have done it without her.
> 
> Feel free to come say hi on [tumblr!](https://attilarrific.tumblr.com)


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